Not too long ago I couldn't have said when my mood changed or why,

I could only tell that it had.

That I had gone from being happy and among friends,
to being angry and alone,

again.

now I can tell you the very minute it happened,
down to the nanosecond,
do you think it helps?
you'd be wrong.

Situation A
we're playing baseball,
I'm not very good,
so I'm last and thats fine because I'd rather talk anyway.
An hour or two in the second baseman starts asking the universe(his sister) for a drink, loudly.
I think to myself "I'm going to the table anyway, I can get it"
so I do.

I should know better by now, this isn't the first time.

by the time I get back, we're batting again and so I cut through the group
(who are arguing whos up to bat since noone thought to note who went last), hand him his drink, and sit down to wait for the baseball gods to give me a turn at bat.
Thats when I hear the snicker,

what?

"whats up with THAT"

What?

"she fetching for you now??"

What??

"I didn't think you were into running slave labor"

WHAT??

And thats the moment,
I can track it now, easy, I can't stop it, but I can see.

The first visitor is an old friend,
worthlessness,

noone would belive that at that moment in the blank, dazed expression this feeling lurked,
noone's supposed to think that,
I wouldn't want them to see it.

The next too is old, almost as old and constant as the first,
sadness.

why don't they want my help? why aren't I good enough?

If they knew of the first two compainions, whom they'd summoned for me, they might've worried.
Not to fear, neither stay long because they are soon replaced with a more usefull emotion...

Anger,
anger is very usefull, it makes you move when nothing else will.

But it also clouds your judgement and so it's best not to speak,

which I don't.

I just seethe, and rage inside
tearing down the walls of 'lies' I tell myself about how much they 'love' me untill turn up the old confession.

We're all the same to them. Their too GOOD for MY help, I might get them dirty. But hey, they'll try to pity and save me thats sure, isn't that something? We're not friends I'm just another 'project' their working on to get into heaven.

I don't know how long I stand there, blankfaced as paper,
I'm only brought back by somone calling my name and telling me it's my turn at bat

Turning to look for the bat,
its yellow, like lemons, like me.

steping up to the plate,
swing,
swing again,
run to first,
run home.

I don't know why I'm here anymore, they don't want me.

Then my best friend calls me,
I remember that there is hope for the universe
and I smile in recognition

I'm a loser
nobody's perfect. 



Emotions
I cannot speak for anyone,
only myself,
but I will not make excuses
when I know the truth,
My feelings are only as important
as yours are
and yours are only important
in reference to mine